My Love, It's All In Your Head
What if Sleeping Beauty had pillowcase marks on her cheek, mascara under her eyes, and a rat’s nest of a hairdo while wearing a stained t-shirt?
In honor of Labor Day I’m sending this out before my usual Sunday post. There’s a Self Care download at the end. I hope you find some time for you this weekend <3
Weight is what everyone talks about. We’re under the illusion that it’s the gold standard of health. As a health coach my goal is to help women sleep better, improve their mood, reduce their joint pain, and regain their energy. The thing is, most aren’t terribly interested in feeling better. They simply want to weigh less because that’s what we’ve been taught to believe about health.
Considering 1 liter of water weighs 2.2 pounds. You eat, drink, and use the bathroom. The scale goes up and down and most of it means nothing. Besides, bone density, muscle mass, hydration, and connective tissue are things you don’t want to lose.
Why Are We Obsessed With Weight & Body Image?
Society has imprinted the mindset of women with the belif something is wrong with them. If you were perfect it would be difficult to sell you something. The beauty and fashion industries use your insecurity to market their products. It doesn’t matter what size you wear, nearly all women fall prey to this marketing tactic. The global cosmetics market was valued at $380.2 billion¹ and fashion 1.9 trillion² in 2019. There’s a lot of money to be made by convincing people what they see mirror isn’t good enough.
It’s not just make-up and new jeans though. If the dimensions of your body don’t match the images you see in advertisements there’s an added layer of unworthiness. Not only do you need the wrinkle cream, you also need to do something about your thighs, midsection, and butt. This has been the mental blueprint installed in women. For thousands of years we’ve been told we’re not worthy of love unless we look, speak, and behave according to what society dictates.
We’ve learned to mistake our weight and body image for our worthiness. If our relationship with gravity doesn’t meet our perception of what we think it should be, we carry that mental weight with us all day long. What do I mean? How many women step on the scale first thing in the morning and tie their self worth for the day to the number they see? Women will line up with pitchforks to defend themselves from people who negatively comment on their body. Yet, everyday they do their own self loathing ritual when they step on the scale.
You Are Your Worst Critic
Even if you don’t weigh yourself daily, all women find things in the mirror they don’t like. We’ve been taught to judge our cellulite, stretch marks, saggy boobs, and the belly we get from bending over. There are women who hate their arms, neck, legs, and entire body. The message to critically judge ourselves is hard wired into our thinking to the point that some women hate the way they look. These women hate themselves so much they purposely avoid mirrors because they are grossed out by what they see. The world has done a pretty good job convincing us that we’re not good enough as we are.
Our pursuit of meeting society’s perceived demands of what a woman should be have left us all feeling like we’re not good enough. While some magazines have fashion police and the media often critiques red carpet looks, most of us will never encounter that kind of public judgement.
Sure, there will always be mothers, mothers-in-law, aunts, and girlfriends who give unsolicited comments, but they’re simply caught in the same societal trap. They’re perpetuating the judgement of women while they likely carry just as much self judgement when they’re alone.
When you step back and look at what’s going on you’ll see that most of what we chase is all in our head. The fashion police aren’t jailing people for their looks. Your boss isn’t going to bring a tape measure to your desk, and the emergency broadcast system isn’t going to announce your weight.
What Are Our Insecurities Really About?
Our fear is that we are inadequate. We haven’t been taught to love and accept ourselves. Unfortunately these teachings begin at an early age with countless stories of princesses, their pretty dresses, their hair, and gaining the ultimate prize of the prince.
Think of how our perception would change if Cinderella gained the attention of the prince in her tattered dress while scrubbing the floor. What if Sleeping Beauty had pillowcase marks on her cheek, mascara under her eyes, and a rat’s nest of a hairdo while wearing a stained t-shirt?
The power play is recognizing that our insecurities are all in our head. They’re not even our own, they’ve been given to us by society. It’s a powerful moment when you realize you can decide right now that you are enough just as you are. You don’t have to buy anything, torture yourself with a workout, or starve yourself. All you have to do is decide to change the story playing in your head.
Who are you and how do you want to see yourself?
Changing Your Mind
Some will struggle to change their internal voice but that doesn’t mean it’s hopeless. Science has shown us when nerve cells stop firing together, they begin to break their connections. Neuroplasticity is defined as:
the ability of the nervous system to change its activity in response to intrinsic or extrinsic stimuli by reorganizing its structure, functions, or connections.³
Most of us believe that we’re stuck with whatever brain we have and that simply isn’t the case. It is possible to change your behavior and thought patterns. You can develop a new mindset in the same way you can learn a new hobby.
Sure, it might take a bit of time for some. No one learns to play the piano overnight so extend yourself some grace when making a mental shift.
Our nervous system is wired for survival. It alerts us to danger. In this case the danger is our fear of not fitting in. Historically, those who were shunned from the tribe often died. If you’ve been hard on yourself I’m here to tell you it’s not your fault.
Awareness Is The Key To Changing Your Mindset
If your goal is to disrupt old thought patterns you have to interrupt them when they happen. We all have experiences with negative thoughts. The key is to stop them before your mind begins adding more self loathing to the pile.
Hang a positive affirmation on your bathroom mirror and reflect on it while you brush your teeth. Add a beautiful photo to your workspace that reminds you of your mental shift. Enlist the help of a friend or family member who will lovingly redirect you if you speak negatively about yourself. Choose a password that relates to your new positive mindset. Set an alarm on your phone to remind you to check in with yourself. The goal is to create touch points throughout your day to help shift your focus.
I’d like to dedicate this post to a client who avoids mirrors.
This post first appeared on Medium
To add another supporting detail to this fantastic list, I believed for decades that my overeating was caused by lack of will power or that I was "eating my feelings." Now I realize that this is a big myth. My overeating was caused by a moderate to high-carb diet. Greetings from another (mostly) carnivore woman!
"The power play is recognizing that our insecurities are all in our head. They’re not even our own, they’ve been given to us by society." YES YES YES TO THIS! 💗 What a resource-rich post. Thank you, so helpful.